The UnHoly Messenger of Jashin
by BEN-Beyond the Elusive Nomads
Summary: Sequel to Scissors! Now that Jashin has to take care of a kid, she send Hidan to fulfil his destiny as her Un-Holy Messsenger of Havoc!
1. Chapter 1

**I'M BA-ACK!!!!!!**

**xXxXx**

"HIDAN!!!"

The Jashinist groaned from his rather comfortable position in his bed, his face buried into his amazingly soft pillow. He heard crying, and he groaned again, before pushing himself up and making his way towards the nursery.

Hidan really hated kids.

He reached the nursery and saw Jashin standing there (still somehow looking like a goddess even after having a kid and being forced to wake up after only two hours of sleep every night) with her hands fisted on her hips and her eyes reflecting the pits of hell. He knew this because her eyes also reflected her soul. But of course, he would never tell her that.

"Yeah?" he asked rudely, wishing he could have gotten just a few more hours of sleep. Jashin glared.

"Look, mister," she said angrily, "Don't you dare complain after waking up after a good eight hours sleep! I've been running on two hours of sleep since I gave birth you your kid, so I think it's due time that I put you to work!"

"…do I have to?" he whined pathetically. She glared.

"Yes," she said angrily, before pulling out an index card fom her top (she seemed to have everything down her top, from her cell phone to her index cards), "Look, I told you that you would be my un-holy messenger of Havoc, correct?" Hidan nodded. She smiled.

"So, this means that you have your first mission! While you're gone, I'm going to hire a nanny since I've been letting myself go recently and I'm going to hit the gym." Hidan brightened considerably: when Jashin hit the gym, she usually came back in a good mood, meaning that he could have sex without the fear of being killed!

"Whaddaya whant me to do?" he asked eagerly. She smiled and handed him the index card.

"That's for one Uzumaki Naruto," she instructed, pointing out the details, "You need to make sure that his childhood is a living hell so that he grows up to be the annoying, orange-clad ninja we all know and love. NOW GO POISON SOME MINDS!!"

Hidan may not look like it, but he can run really fast. Especially when he has an angry goddess (who happens to be his wife and mother of his child) threatening his life.

**xXxXx**

**MUAHAHA!! Their kid's going to have the worst childhood ever. Can You imagine it?**

**Kid: Daddy-**

**Hidan: ::reading newspaper:: don't call me daddy.**

**Kid: ::sigh:: Where do babies come from?**

**Hidan: I fucked your mother. Now go away. ::keeps reading::**

**Kid: ::sighs and goes and finds Jashin:: Mommy-**

**Jashin: ::cleaning:: Don't call me mommy, it makes me sound old.**

**Kid ::sighs:: Can you tell me what it means when daddy says he fucked you?**

**Jashin: It means ::goes into long detailed events of what happened the night the kid was conceived::**

**Kid: OH MY GRANDFATHER!! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!!**

**So, yeah. I think this story may have to go up to an M rating, just because of hidan and Jashin. O_O**

**Ciao!**

**B.E. Nomads**


	2. Chapter 2

**xXxXx**

"Damn it!"

There was silence on top of the large, forest-y roof top as Orochimaru's sword plunged into Sarutobi's gut, forcing him to pause in his soul sucking jutsu. There was only silence, until Orochimaru coughed out a weak, "Wh-why didn't…you avoid it?"

From a distance, hidden in the trees, Hidan sat on a branch and swung his legs as he watched the two legendary shinobi faced off for the life of Konoha. He took a bite of the half-assed ham sandwich Jashin had packed in his tin 'Peanuts' lunchbox.

"Didn't even give me the good fucking Juicy Juice," Hidan murmured, "Stingy bitch." He took a sip from the juice box, only for it to crinkle in his hands almost immediately after he began drinking. He glared at the offending juice box before chucking it behind him. He turned his attention to the battle, waiting for the moment where he would harvest the souls of Sarutobi and Orochimaru's arms.

"You'll die as well!" Sarutobi proclaimed victoriously. Hidan snorted.

"Sorry, old man – you're only leaving with his arms."

He waited impatiently as the two continued to talk, and as Orochimaru's soul slowly began to inch out of his body. Hidan began to tap his foot after one hour, then at hour two he began to tap his fingers against the tree bark.

Finally, ten minutes after hour two, he began to notice barely any difference in the battle. He roared in frustration, tugging his hair in desperation.

"Oh my JASHIN! Just hurry the fuck up!"

The two ninjas looked up in surprise as Hidan jumped down and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I mean, seriously – does this really have to take so long? I've got five other souls to harvest before the day is out, and YOU two are really fucking with my schedule. I've got five fucking minutes to get all the way to Wave, where some old hack trips on that big bridge and falls to his death. Can you speed this up? Like, fucking now?"

"Who are you to tell me-," Orochimaru began. Hidan interrupted him.

"Oh, shut the fuck up you old pedophile," Hidan growled, "Look, just let the fart pull out your arm souls or whatever the fuck you call it so I can harvest his soul and steal your arms. I don't need the wife to get ANY more pissed off. I already failed at getting that fucker Zabuza's soul – now put your asses in gear, bitch!"

More silence, before Hidan sighed and looked up to the sky.

"Jashin? Honey? Light of my life? I know you're busy right now, what with Fuckers one and two being all needy and shit, but do you think you can give me the power to speed time up so I can harvest these fuckers souls already? And then could you send me back in time so I can get that old guys soul? Please baby?"

Lightening stuck and from that light appeared an angry Jashin, with a toddler in one arm and a newborn in the other.

"Do you feel that you've EARNED that power?" she asked, much like a therapist. Hidan nodded in excitement, his eyes sparkling.

"Really?" she pushed. Hidan nodded again. Jashin seemed to think for a moment, before shaking her head. She snapped her fingers and the crushed up Juicy Juice box appeared in her hand.

"No. What kind of God pollutes their own planet! How the hell can I trust you with such tremendous power! You'll just throw Juicy Juice boxes everywhere!"

"Fuck baby, I promise I wont anymore! Please baby, don't make me wait and miss another soul harvest!" Hidan pleaded, "Fuck, ask the two fuckers! They'll agree with his dad – won't they?"

"Fuck!" the toddler said happily. Jashin's eyes filled with the fires of hell and Hidan visibly shrunk back from his pissed off wife/God.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE MY BABIES FUCKING CURSING! YOU MOTHER FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!"

**xXxXx**

…**hahahaha…hi?...so…..I know you probably hate me right now….and I would hate me too….but hey – I updated!**

**Hahahahahaha…..awkward….and yeah, this isn't my best crack ever…but you all deserved something.**


	3. Chapter 3

**xXxXx**

Hidan was bored. And with that simple statement comes lots of trouble.

Currently, he was on one of his few breaks with Jashin when fuckers one and two were being looked after by their grandparents. But thing weren't exactly going according to plan. Instead of him getting sexy time with his sexy wife, he was busy painting the walls that she could have easily done on her own without taking up any time.

"This is so fucking boring!" he complained for the hundredth time. Jashin glanced up at him before suddenly getting a look in her eyes that he knew all to well.

He smirked at her and waggled his eyebrows.

She grinned and she tossed aside her magazine, standing and walking slowly towards him with a predatory smile.

He took a step down from the ladder.

She smirked.

He touched down on the ground and turned towards her, grabbing her wrist and tugging her against him.

"I think that you've done a very good job," she purred, running a finger down his chest mischievously.

"I think I may deserve a reward then," Hidan said cheekily, grabbing her hips and tugging her towards him. She grinned and got on her tiptoes, barely a centimeter away from kissing him when –

"JASHIN!"

The roar of her father forced the two apart as quickly as if they had been burned. His cold eyes glared at the two of them.

"Have you seen your front yard? Rake it! NOW!"

"What the fuck! I thought you were looking after the little shits!" Hidan yelled angrily. Jashin's father glared.

"The wife sent me over to make sure you were using your time wisely," he said, "Now GO RAKE THOSE LEAVES, BITCH!"

.

Hidan was bored and horny – a bad combination. He sighed as another stray leaf fell on his head, only to grin as Jashin pressed up against him from behind and brushed the leaf away, letting her fingers linger against his cheek.

"We're alone," she purred. He smirked and placed a hand on her hip.

"We are," he agreed, "Wanna go fuck?"

She giggled before grabbing his hand and tugging him inside.

Hours later they both were stretched out satisfied on their bed, Hidan grinning in satisfaction while Jashin looked as if she was about to pass out from pleasure. Then, she frowned.

"Hidan?" she asked.

"Hm?"

"Why don't we ever talk any more?" she asked, and Hidan felt his stomach drop with fear, before confusion took over.

"What the hell do you mean 'any more'? We never talked in the first place. You just kinda decided to marry me…I don't even remember why."

"Wasn't it to avoid my father?" she asked. Hidan nodded slowly.

"Maybe. Don't really care to be honest."

"Well, you never want to cuddle either," she complained. Hidan glanced at her in shock.

"Since when do you want to cuddle?" he asked bluntly.

"Since now! And as you wife and God I demand we cuddle! Or at least spoon!" she ordered. Hidan sighed before turning on his side and awkwardly wrapping an arm around her waist. She sighed, and for a moment they lay in peace.

"Ok, ok, I can't do this," she said suddenly, "I need to sleep on my other side. Let me turn over."

Hidan lifted his arm and she turned and pressed her face into his chest. He let his arm drop again, and he relaxed. He had to admit that she was rather warm and…squishy. Like a stuffed animal. Just not so furry.

He should probably stop thinking now.

**xXxXx**

**Inspired from erectile dysfunction commercials :)**


End file.
